Perspective

Sometimes I look at the world around me and wonder what I was thinking bringing a child into this.

Sometimes I look at my child and realize that she's just what this world needed.

Sometimes Special Needs Moms Feel Like They Can Do It.

I thought it made a good parallel with my last post. :) Please excuse my generalities, I know I'm very knew to this game and I don't mean to be oversimplifying anyone else's journey. I think I need to break it down into very small pieces for myself right now as I process.

Tonight D finished the girlie's sand and water table. I'll post pictures later! It's gorgeous. Her indoor sensory table should be finished in the next couples days. She was delighted and played with the sand until she had to come inside. The cashier asked D if he was getting organized (storage bins) and he said he was making a stim table for his daughter who has SPD - we don't have an specific diagnosis yet but we know her struggles lie somewhere in the sensory processing/integration range. It was cool to hear him explain it in his own words. The cashier has a fifteen year old son who has sensory issues and likes washing dishes even though it takes him forever because he's soothing himself with the feel of the water on his hands. At dinner the sauce on the R's chicken was too spicy for her and we got her fresh rice and traded her our chicken that had the sauce mostly wiped off from stirring it into our rice. It worked and it felt easy.

It's funny, just like the little things make this real and leave me crying, it's also the little things that every once in a while make me feel like I can do this. I'm learning to really enjoy those moments when I have them.

Special Needs Moms Cry.

This journey has a steep learning curve. And there's no waiting to learn, no
pause button to hit while we figure this out. Last week my realization was "Special needs moms spend a whole lot of time on the phone." This week it's simply "Special needs moms cry." Not often --right now, honestly, I just don't have time to cry. But sometimes it all comes pouring out.

I added a tag line to the bottom of the page. "This blog wasn't supposed to be about sensory issues and special needs. But it is." My life, my daughter's life, wasn't supposed to be about those things. She is brilliant! She's more alive than anyone else I've ever met. But some days, some seasons I guess, it is going to be about those things. And my job is to do everything in my power to fight and advocate for her. And my job is also to not let it be about those things at all. She is four, and it's a sunny day. She is so much more than the things that challenge her.

And I just added two new labels to this post that I have never used before - "sensory issues" and "special needs". Yup, special needs moms cry.

Welcome to this crazy journey we found ourselves on.

So Proud!

This is the final result of our recent art/upcycling project!

Laundry Detergent and Hair Detangler

Two links with recipes for sensitive skin friendly products. Now I have to find good prices on these ingredients. Any ideas?

Laundry Detergent for Pennies

Natural Organic Hair Detangler

I won't be using the lavender oil; due to our "baby footrubs" bedtime ritual when R was smaller lavender makes us all sleepy. :) I'd love to end up with a "citrus-y" scent!

Thoughts of Spring Blog Party

I'm participating in my first blog party! I desperately need to write, and Spring is definitely on my mind so I couldn't argue. Here's the questions I copied from dancing barefoot on weathered ground. Wanna join in the fun? There are lots of super fun prizes!

How would people describe your personality? (If they could only use ONE word.) Are they right?

Crazy? No doubt they would be right. I don't have any idea where I first heard it, but I often quote the phrase "Crazy keeps me sane." That pretty much sums it up.


What celebrity/celebrities would create a “Star-Struck” feeling if you saw them in real life?

Not a big fan of celebrities. I'm amazed by Angelina Jolie, so if we had to do a true celebrity I'd go with her. I feel star-struck every time I talk to Olafur Arnalds and I so want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with Kate Hansen someday.

Who is your favorite blogger? Why?

Whoa hard! I'm actually going to have to go with Red Light | Dark Room. Surprisingly it's not a "Mommy Blog". Most of the 214 tying for 2nd favorite are. I dream of volunteering in St. Kilda for a month some day. Book release is next week!

What is your comfort food/drink?

Hot tea. I don't drink it often when I'm happy, but if I'm ill or unhappy sipping hot tea makes me feel safe and cared for.

Be brave – tell us something very random and weird about yourself.

Random and weird I do well so it's difficult to think of something I need to be brave to share. I adore my short, short hair. When I try to grow it out I look at pictures of it short and seriously morn it. :)

Do you have a strong desire to do something you’ve never done?

Yes! Tons of things.

What is it?

One thing? I want to catch a baby.

Movies: Action, Drama, Romantic Comedy, Documentary, Comedy? What are your favorite genres?

Psychological drama

Books: Fiction, Non-Fiction, Romance, Biographies, True Stories, Self-Help, Devotional/Study? What are your favorite types of reading material?

I've been reading a lot non-fiction lately but I picked up Nineteen Eighty Four finally Thursday night and it was so deeply refreshing to read fiction again.

Music: Funk, Rock, Country, Jazz, Classical, Film Score, Blues, Classic Rock, Crooner, Alternative, Heavy Metal, Techno? What are your favorite types?

Indie/Pop I also have a strong propensity to answer multiple choice questions without using one of the choices.

If you inherited a million dollars, what is the first thing you would do with your money?

The first thing would be to pay off our home. Then I'd put it on the market and buy very a small farm closer to Dee's work. :)

Name one weakness of yours (confession is good for the soul).

I cannot keep my bedroom neat and organized. I'm incredibly messy.

If you could live anywhere at all (and take all your loved ones with you), where would you go?

All of my loved ones? Seriously? I need a commune in the Midwest. New Zealand is looking good though. . .

Strange Talent? Can you juggle basketballs, put your legs behind your head or perform some other strange feat?

I have no strange talents. :)

What’s something you consider yourself to be good at? (Don’t worry, it’s not bragging, it’s acknowledging a God given gift).

I have no modesty. If you need info but you're embarrassed to ask come talk to me. I can talk about anything. How's that for a talent?

What is one of your favorite things to catch a whiff of?

A new baby's hair

When you leave a social gathering, do you wish: You would have talked more or You would have talked less?

Less

If money wasn’t a factor, what stores would you shop in?

Small privately owned shops in far away countries :)

What is your greatest fear or strange phobia?

My strangest phobia would be tsunamis. Real threat here in the Midwest. Dee says it's because the water isn't bottled. He could have a point.

What is your greatest accomplishment?

Stepping away from everything I knew and had experienced about parenting and taking a whole different path.

What are your favorite animals?

Dog and giraffes - really I just love animals. You'd be hard pressed to find one I didn't like. Even opossums.

Are you a hopeless romantic?

No. But because of that I'm a complete sucker for romance when I run into it. :)

What movie or book character can you most relate to?

Mmm, I can list songs I relate to, but a movie or book character? Leave a comment and tell me who you think of!

Beyond Society and Ego

"So, the parent must step out of time and place and become the parent this child needs, not the parent that society (and the parent's ego) dictates. It requires an almost superhuman love, where the parent's expectations are set aside and the needs of the child are met first." -- Demitri Papolos, M.D., and Janice Papolos

Long Time No Blog

Big things around here have gotten much bigger, as big things tend to do. I am usually exhausted, often reeling, always trying to find footing. But like a glimpse of star filled infinity between the storm clouds, I'm not alone. I have good people holding my hand in so many different ways. I'm the only one that can walk through this and no one other person is living these same questions. But every time I turn around there is camaraderie. A friend sending me a link on sensory issues and understanding how scared I am. A picture posted that reminds me it does Get better. People just being real and praying out loud when I need to listen in. A friend that keeps on listening. My husband. My sister. Co survivors who are ready to fight too. I don't get the map I want so badly. There's not outline or plot to help me see what comes next. But I'm not alone. A flashlight here, a hug there. I'm going forward because I won't go back. It's good to know I'm not the only one out here.

This Moment

"A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see." (SouleMama) -- Here's mine.

2010 - Alternate Endings

Here are the Christmas cards that didn't make the cut. They were all so adorable I couldn't resist sharing.

Oh Holy Night Religious Christmas Card

Visit Shutterfly.com for classic photo Christmas cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Is she laughing or yelling? We were afraid you couldn't tell so this one got nixed. As Dee said, "We don't want people to think we have a yell-y baby." Our girl yelling? Never!

Tree Topper Red Christmas Card

Shop Shutterfly for unique, personalized Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

I adored the colors in this one, but alas, that "Merry Tree" thing kept throwing Dee.

In the end we went with the card we did because, even though I was a lot less crazy about the color combinations, every time we looked at it we smiled. And, really, what more can you ask for? Wishing each of you a happy, smiling Christmas (with no yelling ;))!

This Moment

"A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see." (SouleMama) -- Here's mine.

What do you write when a "bad" week follows another?

Because I plan to have shining successes in the future, I need to be brutally honest about weeks like these. I am just scraping through and for no good reason at all. I think sometimes parenting is a chore or a job, and I hate feeling that way. But I do the job anyway I guess. It's not going to be well done, in many ways you could say it has not even been done because I have not lived up to my ideals and I can see that reflected back to me from my child. "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly" Chesterton is quoted to have said. So it's one foot in front of the other time. This is what will distinguish me. I pass to my child a genetic legacy of depression and unhealthiness spiraling into heart breaking abuse. But this time, this generation, I'm going to give her some tools to go along with it. One of those tools might just be sitting here and crying for a little bit. And then it's time to get on with it. Mr. Rogers is good for the soul.

http://pbskids.org/rogers/songLyricsImTakingCareOfYou.html

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yeah, you're thinking the same thing I am -- Christmas card time! Or maybe not.

Correspondence "snail mail" style is not my biggest strength. Boxes sit half packed (or worse, fully packed!) for weeks if not months. Thank you cards don't get mailed . . . and then we have Christmas cards.

This year I did it right. I packed away last year's Christmas cards neatly in the tree decoration box along with the envelopes or addresses -- all ready to give me the information I needed to respond to dear friends with a Christmas card this year. Sunday we opened that box and I took the cards out and set them on the mantle rather pleased with myself. Surprisingly, this did not actually take care of the Christmas card task for this year!

Thankfully, I was not without resources in conquering this foe! A friend on facebook shared this link for an opportunity to receive 50 photo cards from Shutterfly just for blogging about their new holiday photo card line. Yes, feel very used. I could apologize, but instead I'll send you an adorable photo Christmas card if you just make sure I have your address! And seriously, if you're still trying to figure out what you're doing for Christmas cards (am I the only slacker??) there are so many options here I think it would be impossible not to find one you love. Use the coupon code "HolidayCard10" and get up to 30% off at checkout. See? I do care! And if you're looking for photo gifts don't miss their snazzy mugs. (Why yes, I was required to include another link, how did you guess?? But really, for photo mugs, these are snazzy!) Best part? You can do it all without having to go anywhere! Except the post office. I don't think I can save you that trip . . .

This Moment

Heard about Soule Mama's This Moment ritual via The Leaky Boob and I'm loving the idea.

"A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see." -- Here's mine.



And this song.

I'll be back

Which makes me think of . . . was it Theodore Roosevelt? And Arsenic and Old Lace. And Advent! I need Advent. I'm so glad it shows up every year.

But for now a link I need to have in the files for later reference --
Before You Wean

Any one else having one of those weeks you'd rather forget?

A Little Perspective on Monday

A friend shared this link and this poem. It's so mesmerizing that I would almost prefer to post it alone, but must instead comment just to say, I'm looking at that hated pile of things on the stairs, and maybe the noise, quite differently today.

Aubade

In the half-light, before the workday stir,
three strips contour her body, cross the bed
and this dull morning seems a watershed
with me indifferent to the sight of her

as, with her sleeping eyes, she is to me.
Once I had rockclimber’s hands: worn thin,
one layer more naked, they’d sense her skin
aware an inch away, like witchery,

yet over years hands callous with the wear
of touching her, and fierceness seems absurd
as does delusion when the fever’s cured,
and the strong arch our marriage made won’t bear

a tower to our passion, or a child’s home.
Instead there’s empty stairs and controlled climate,
too many books, too much reason for quiet
where something squalling with life might have grown.

I stand in the door, neither there nor gone;
through blinds the sun insinuates its way,
casting a chart of the approaching day
where I should lie, and where her arm is thrown.

-Peter Coghill

17 November

I was going to get off the computer and begin to resuscitate my house from what appears to have been a jolly fun Trash the Whole House Day celebration, but I now have a little one sleeping on the chair behind me and I Will Not endanger that by moving one inch out of this chair. So here I am blogging by default. :) Ready for the run down?

1. Have we done something to strengthen their minds / intellect?
After a little bit of reorganization of the living room bookshelves my girlie is loving picking out a math or phonics workbook on her own and doing a couple pages at the kitchen table. I'm loving this because it is completely self directed and self instigated, my very favorite kind of learning. Aren't those rare moments nice when our theories actually work out in real life?

2. Have we done something to strength their spirit / faith / their foundation in God?
Still reading away in The Jesus Storybook Bible. It's good for a mama's heart too.

Can I go off on a tangent here? What's with the comparing?? I am completely happy with where we're at, and then remind myself that others are doing more, that their children finished the Storybook Bible at 6 months and are now discussing Ryrie at naptime, and I feel inadequate. Worse, I feel like I am failing my daughter. If anyone has strategies for quieting those accusing voices that are never satiated no matter how much I do, I would love to hear them.

3. Have we done something to strengthen their bodies?
And the cold weather hits. I am absolutely not afraid of going for a walk when it's freezing out, but already I can see my tendency to hunker down inside and miss out on those big muscle activities. So no, not yesterday, but it's going to need to be a conscious choice this winter. I'm thinking this in the playroom. Hubs is not convinced. :)

4. Have we done something to strengthen their emotional self?
I've been greatly impressed this week by this quote from the linked article - "children are not meant to take direction from those to whom they are not currently attached, and this is meant to keep them safe." After reading this and a note on facebook we have implemented a new plan for coping with anger. When the girlie "feels angry, and it's getting BIG inside" she runs to me for a hug. So far . . . moderate progress.

5. Have we done something to strengthen our family bond(s)?
Can I just say I love bath time? Daddy understands the sensory issues with water that I just don't get, and listening to him sing to her while he got the tangles out of her hair last night was the best. We've also had some sleep and behaviour issues this week related to the blasted time change, and reinforcing the rules and working through them has been bonding. I can't get over how relationship building and affirmative discipleship/discipline without corporal punishment is. All the silliness I heard about the love a child feels for a parent after being spanked and "restored". It's just dysfunctional! This is good, this feels right.

I Don't Spank My Children

written by Rachel, a dear friend, and reposted with her permission. Thank you!

Discipline and Discipleship
These words (obviously) share a root word. As a Christian parent, I see these words as inseparable. There are, of course, times when I forget that disciplining my children is ultimately an act of disciple-ing them, but overall this is how I view God's intended role for me as a mother. I believe this is how most Christians see their roles as parents.

Lest we speak past one another, I want to clearly state here at the beginning that when I use the word "discipline" that I do not mean spanking or punishing my children. Many Christian parents use the word "discipline" when they mean spanking, but this is not how I'm using this word.

Every discussion I've ever read or participated in that involves Christians and spanking, someone eventually says that spanking is the God-ordained method of disciplining our children. Some people go so far as to say that NOT spanking is sin; others take a milder approach and say that NOT spanking is, at least, unwise.

I have spanked my children (so I'm not coming from a place of unfamiliarity with the practice), but I do not spank them anymore. Why? Because I found spankings to be a stumbling block and a crutch, and the Holy Spirit spoke to me through my experiences. When spanking was an option I allowed myself, I found that I did not parent well. It was too easy to threaten a spanking instead of communicating with my children. It was too easy to spank instead of dealing with their hearts. It was too easy to give into righteous indignation that my children did not fear me so much that they would jump-to the minute I gave an order. It was too easy to become self-centered and expect my children to make my life easier. In short, spanking gave me an out: I didn't have to *work* at parenting, I could just spank them.

If you spank, that last paragraph probably resulted in you writing me off. Maybe you feel insulted -- "She's saying I'm lazy because I spank!" Maybe you've categorized me as someone who used spanking "incorrectly"; you are thinking "That's why I never spank in anger and I always pray and hug my child afterward." Honestly, I'm accusing you of nothing, I'm simply telling you that NOT spanking improved my parenting, strengthens my connection with my children, and allows me to focus on my ultimate parenting goal: Discipleship. Plainly and simply, spanking got in the way.

Parenting without spanking means that I must stop and *think* about all of the issues that are swirling around us when I give my children instructions. (Are the kids tired? Hungry? Are they having a rough day? Am *I* having a rough day?) I must stop and think about whether the instructions are valid. (Am I being unreasonable? Am I parenting strictly for my own convenience?) Stopping and thinking only takes a few seconds, and as I've been parenting this way for several years, I've found that I'm rarely aware of these as conscious thoughts anymore.

Parenting without spanking means that my children are free to confess to me without fear of spanking. Sometimes there are consequences for what they confess, but their openness allows us to have a conversation about the issue and for now they accept the natural consequences of their actions with a good attitude. Very rarely do my children attempt to hide their deeds from me, and I've had the opportunity to coach them about confessing misdeeds to others in their lives.

Parenting without spanking means that I must actively engage my children about their sinful hearts. Spanking isn't present to cloud the issue, spanking isn't present to become the focus of their resentment, spanking isn't seen as a method of atonement for their sins. I want them to understand that Christ atoned for their sins, therefore we forgive others and ask for forgiveness.

So often when I explain to people that I parent without spanking, their response is, "Maybe you have time to talk to your kids every time, but sometimes I need my children to obey me immediately." This is not a family-specific need. Sometimes I also need my children to obey me without question, and they usually do when we are in such a situation... I can make it clear with my tone that this is not the time for us to have a discussion or to attempt to give their perspective. We've arrived at this point because when my children were younger, if they did not obey me, I simply "made it happen." If I told them to "Come Here," and they did not, I went to get them. If I told them to "Pick up your shoes," and they did not, I placed their hands in mine and made them pick them up. They've learned that I will "make" them comply with my commands if they are unable or unwilling to comply on their own.

I know that sounds crazy to you. I know this because it sounded crazy to me when I was first introduced to parenting without spanking. The best way I can explain why I no longer think it is crazy can be summed up by two points:

*Children are immature. At first they are able to do nothing for themselves, so we help them with everything. As they gain maturity, they take on more responsibility and we have to do less for them. I no longer tie shoes or dress my girls, though at one time I did both of these things. At one time they were unable to obey me every time without my help, so I helped them with that, too. Now that they are more mature, I have to help them comply less and less.

*Children sometimes refuse to obey. When this happens, I "make" them obey and the task is done. They are learning that resistance is futile; Mom *will* make me comply. If I were spanking I would have to spank the child for disobedience and then *still* have to make them obey in the end. (And sometimes this is a loop of give instruction, spank for disobedience, continued refusal, spank harder for disobedience, continued refusal, spank even harder for disobedience, continued refusal... and the parent is left with the choice of spanking so hard that it is physically damaging OR deciding it isn't worth the battle OR doing what I did in the first step and "make" it happen.)

As I mentioned before, many Christians consider NOT spanking to be sinful; others just label it as "unwise" for not heeding "clear instruction" from the Bible. If NOT spanking works well for me, would these Christians have me spank anyway as some sort of insurance plan just in case my exegesis is incorrect? That makes no sense to me, and my God doesn't want insurance-plan "obedience."

My discipline goal is discipleship. I found that spanking distracted me from this goal, and the Holy Spirit convicted me to parent gently. So, I don't spank my children.

Handwriting Practice

A good friend sent me this link and I love it! I'm printing out a couple pages and laminating them so that we can write on them with a washable marker, wipe off, and use them again.

http://www.handwritingworksheets.com/flash/dnealian/singleword/index.html